The Talk
by Flying Pie
Summary: Mycroft gives Sherlock 'The Talk.' Drug use, mentions of JohnLock, M for language and themes


**My first fanfic, and my first time ever writing in this style. I was inspired by my friend who is completely obessed with JohnLock. But I really didn't want to write JohnLock for whatever reason at the moment. So I thought to myself, why not make Mycroft totally OOC with a reasonable excuse and have him talk about JohnLock... I guess it kinda worked out alright... So read and tell me what you think!**

* * *

**Text History**

* * *

Trolololo -MH

* * *

What? -SH

* * *

*swings umbrella around* Umbrella, ella hey eyyy. -MH

* * *

Are you having a seizure? -SH

* * *

I tried some of that strange powder you had in your bag. Now I see why you had an addiction problem for ten years! -MH

* * *

Dear God... why would you do that? -SH

* * *

Oooo I don't want to diet anymore! -MH

This is so much more fun! -MH

* * *

You have to diet. -SH

And stop with the drugs. -SH

* * *

Don't be a hypocrite little brother! -MH

* * *

Hey! I'm clean! -SH

* * *

It's so loud in here compared to that silly Diogenes club~! -MH

* * *

Where are you? -SH

* * *

I'm at the Diogenes Club of course. -MH

* * *

...-SH

They're going to kick you out. -SH

* * *

No they're not! I own their asses! -MH

_Arses_, excuse me. I'm not American. -MH

* * *

I wish I could this on tape. -SH

And show it at your next banquet dinner. -SH

* * *

Little brother, I might be high, but that was a BLATANT grammar error! Excuse yourself! -MH

* * *

I'm terribly sorry. -SH

I wish I could _get_ this on tape. -SH

* * *

Good, now who's a good little Locky? Hmmnnn I'm sure Mummy would enjoy it. -MH

* * *

Don`t call me Locky! -SH

* * *

Then I could add that part on the end about how you didn't leave the stroller 'till you were six!-MH

You laaazzy bum~~!-MH

* * *

I didn't see the point of walking when someone was willing to do the work for me. That isn't lazy. That's efficient. It allowed me to use my engery on _thinking_. -SH

* * *

You demanded mummy spoonfeed you ice cream until you were ten! -MH

Spoiled brat! -MH

* * *

I still can't get John to do it. -SH

One day... -SH

* * *

And that one time we were playing hide-and-seek and you hid in the attic. And then the attic floor broke and you fell on the Prime Minister! Oooo that was deliicioussss~~~! -MH

* * *

He was an idiot. I personally am proud that I fell on him. -SH

* * *

He? It was Margaret Thatcher, dear brother. -MH

Or was it Harriet Jones? -MH

Hmmmnn I'm a bit too high to remember right now. -MH

* * *

No, it wasn't Harriet Jones. I would remember her. -SH

And are you sure it wasn't a man? -SH

...I suppose I did hit my head rather hard on the landing. -SH

* * *

Harriet reminds me of that agency I run...hmmnn what was it called? -MH

* * *

What agency? -SH

* * *

OH YES. Torchwood. The guy who runs it when I'm not there is super gorgeous. American too. But nice arse. -MH

Oohh I want a shag now! And that American is a total manslut! -MH

* * *

I thought you had a "thing" with Lestrade. -SH

* * *

Lestrade? Who's Lestrade? You mean that Inspector who keeps trying to shag Molly? -MH

* * *

Yes, haven't you been on the internet? -SH

No, then I'd be watching porn, and not needing that shag. Ooo that American...-MH

* * *

...Leave the poor American alone. -SH

* * *

Never. He's GORRGGEOUUUSSSS~~! -MH

* * *

Fine, go and shag him for all I care. -SH

Just don't tell me about it. -SH

* * *

I will. And I will LOVE IT. -MH

* * *

Anyway, the internet's all abuzz about your secret love affair. -SH

It's all rather sickening. -SH

* * *

Really? They should stop taking out their sexual tension on that Inspector and I. Just because you haven't shagged John yet doesn't mean they can take it out on the inspector and me. -MH

* * *

What? -SH

John and I are friends! -SH

* * *

Friends that have eye sex every single day. And share a bedroom. A messy, messy bedroom.-MH

* * *

We have _seperate_ bedrooms! -SH

* * *

But he sleeps in yours. -MH

* * *

...Only sometimes. -SH

* * *

I've seen it. -MH

Or rather Mrs. Hudson did then told me to come back after you were awake. -MH

* * *

And nothing _happens_! -SH

* * *

Doesn't smell like nothing happens~~!-MH

* * *

It doesn't! -SH

* * *

Smells a lot like sweat and other bodily fluids whenever I go into your room. -MH

* * *

He had a nightmare and I insisted he sleep in my room! -SH

* * *

Sure. Then where do the other bodily fluids come from? -MH

God, I'm soooo high right now. -MH

Should I expect a happy announcement by the end of the week? -MH

* * *

No. John isn't interested in me. -SH

That's why he keeps going around with those dull women. -SH

* * *

That explains why he looks at you like a hungry tiger every time you take your scarf off...-MH

You're soooo oblivious~~!-MH

* * *

I am not! -SH

* * *

God, he wants to shag you more than I want to shag that American. -MH

* * *

...Really? -SH

Then why hasn't he done anything? -SH

I invited him into my _bed_! -SH

* * *

You really are oblivious. I'm high on extremely potent cocaine and I can still see how much he wants to shag you. -MH

IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A VIRGIN. -MH

* * *

...So? -SH

* * *

John's a gentleman. He isn't going to pounce on a delicate little virgin. He'd end up breaking your neck~ -MH

But what if I _want_ him to pounce? -SH

Then seduce him! Jesus Christ, you're such a virgin! -MH

Well, Jesus was too...hehehehe. -MH

And so was his mum. Hehehehhehehehe -MH

Trolololol. -MH

* * *

Very funny. -SH

Keep it up and I'll tell Mummy. -SH

* * *

Ohhh Mummy wouldn't mind...she knows we're both athiests

* * *

And, um, _how_ do I seduce someone? -SH

What does that manslut American do? -SH

* * *

Oh, he just comes up to me and starts snogging me the second I walk in. -MH

It's a...greeting of his. -MH

You should try it some time. -MH

* * *

...I don't know if that would work on John. -SH

* * *

Of course you don't. Because you've never had sex before! Trololololol. -MH

Virgin. Trolololololol. -MH

* * *

Stop laughing at me! -SH

* * *

I will never stop, dear brother. -MH

* * *

You're a git, you know that? -SH

* * *

And you're a virgin. -MH

I hope you know that. -MH

* * *

I am more than aware that I'm a virgin, Mycroft! -SH

And I'm not going to just snog him. Give me another suggestion. -SH

* * *

No. Snog him. -MH

* * *

...-SH

What if I do it wrong? -SH

I've never snogged before. -SH

* * *

JESUS CHRIST. -MH

* * *

What? It's not that unusual! -SH

* * *

Really? Oh then just wank him off. Hopefully you've done that before...-MH

* * *

...I.. can't just...-SH

* * *

Ah so at least you've wanked yourself off before. And of course you can. -MH

You just go up to him and ask, 'Do you want to play the rape game?' and if he says,'No', respond, 'Well that's the spirit!' -MH

* * *

What? That sounds like an awful game. -SH

* * *

Then wank him off! It's that simple. -MH

* * *

I'm not doing that. -SH

He would _hate _me! -SH

* * *

No. You're wanking him off. -MH

He wouldn't hate you if he's getting a free wanking. -MH

* * *

Yes, he would. Because he doesn't think of me in that way. -SH

* * *

Doesn't matter once you're wanking him! -MH

He'll be a little more interested in your hand in that moment. -MH

* * *

You're an idiot and you're high... why am I even talking to you? -SH

* * *

You're talking to me because I'm your dear, dear brother who's hiding your coke stash from you. -MH

Don't worry though, I already used it up. Damn that was good. -MH

* * *

All of it? -SH

* * *

Yeeeeeeessss... -MH

* * *

Are you insane? -SH

* * *

Well, we ARE related. -MH

* * *

...There's _nothing_ wrong with me! -SH

* * *

Except for the fact that you're a high-functioning sociopath. -MH

* * *

There's nothing wrong with that! -SH

* * *

Everything's wrong with that, dear brother. -MH

It makes mummy worry about you. -MH

* * *

...I have John. -SH

She doesn't need to worry. -SH

* * *

Then go wank him off! -MH

* * *

I can't! Aren't I supposed to... buy him flowers, or something? -SH

Isn't that what normal people do? -SH

* * *

NO, YOU STUPID VIRGIN. GO WANK HIM OFF. -MH

Quit making fun of me! -SH

* * *

NEVER. YOU GET HIM INTOXICATED THEN WANK HIM OFF. -MH

* * *

Is that what you did to the American? -SH

* * *

No. That's what he did to me. And now I want MORE. -MH

* * *

Gross. -SH

* * *

Not gross, just kinky. -MH

* * *

I don't want that image in my head. -SH

* * *

Then get another in. By wanking John off. -MH

* * *

...I've never wanked someone else off. -SH

* * *

It's like wanking yourself off but a little more wet. You should try it some time. On John. -MH

* * *

...-SH

* * *

Well, are you going to or not? He's waiting for your hand. Well, more like your cock, but hand for now I guess. Virgin. Trololololol. -MH

* * *

Shut up! -SH

And I can't just go up to him and start... you know... -SH

* * *

Yes you can. -MH

You're Sherlock Holmes. He knows you don't have logic. -MH

At least when it comes to human interaction. -MH

And I know you want to anyway. -MH

So just do it for Christ's Sake! -MH

* * *

So what? Use my lack of social graces as an excuse to essentially sexually assault him? -SH

* * *

Yes. -MH

* * *

...That could actually work. -SH

* * *

It could. See my point? -MH

NOW GO GET LAID. -MH

* * *

...-SH

Do you think he'll want to go that far? -SH

* * *

Yes. Now go. -MH

He's waiting in your bed with his legs spread open. -MH

Naked. -MH

I kept those cameras in your flat by the way. So don't question me on that. -MH

* * *

What? -SH

* * *

GO! Before he wanks himself off. -MH

* * *

I... first of all, get rid of the cameras. -SH

* * *

After. -MH

* * *

And second of all, why would he be on _my_ bed? -SH

* * *

Because he wants to wank himself off on your scent. -MH

But you should probably do it yourself. -MH

* * *

Um, yeah, yeah I probably should... -SH

* * *

Yup. Now go. Gogogogogogogo and let me finish off this high. -MH

* * *

Fine. Try not to get yourself killed. -SH

* * *

No one would try to kill the British government. -MH

Good night to you, little brother. And happy shagging~~-MH

* * *

Yeah, go find your little American. -SH

* * *

Mummy sends her love. Good bye. -MH

* * *

Bye Mycroft, you daft git. -SH

* * *

**:D R&R**


End file.
